To Forgive or not to Forgive that is the question.

My relationship with my husband has not been good for as long as I can remember.

He is not strong in his faith and because I am and I am thriving in my walk with Christ, I have been holding a lot of anger towards him.
I felt fed up with the pressure of being the one to pray for our marriage, kids and basically everything.

I was holding onto a lot of hurt, hurt that had come from him. But I am not going to go into that. As it doesn’t matter.

We went to marriage counselling yesterday and again I sat there listening to my husband spouting various tales and lies and telling them what I said and blaming me for the misery in our marriage.

I sat there so uncomfortable and feeling trapped.
Our Pastors asked us if we wanted to be married.
Husband replied with a yes.
I struggled with my yes. The fact is no, no I don’t want to be married right now as I have reached my limit in hurt. I had cried thousands of tears, I didn’t want to be married in this situation and for it to just carry on like this for another 10 years.
I was angry. And wondered why they didn’t just shake my husband for his behaviour.

At the end of the meeting they told us to fall back in friends with each other. To arrange a date.
I couldn’t think of anything worse that going on a date with this man who has hurt me so much and puts me down on a daily basis.
In 10 years he has not sort to know me but has competed with me.
I walked away from that meeting feeling totally drained and at a loss.
I didn’t want to talk to my husband. I didn’t want to sit down stairs with him. I needed time to process.

He went to football and I went to bed early with my laptop.

A few days previous I signed up to look at this Danny Silk web thing. I don’t know why or what it really was but I got an email during the day saying – Sorry you missed out on seeing it, here is the link so you can watch it now.

I clicked onto the link and watched the 20-minute talk from Danny Silk and feverly took notes.

It was about Forgiveness.
My thoughts at the beginning were – no that’s not me. I don’t feel like I need to forgive him. I am not harbouring any Unforgiveness.

And that’s when I listened to - People are afraid to keeping their love on

Why should I keep trying when it doesn't feel like you are?

And then I got this little revelation - I can only do my half of the relationship

Protect my heart and spirt regardless of what you are doing so make sure you’re in good shape when they turn around and want that relationship

Put my needs out on the table and I will pay attention to how you treat what I put out there. Because if your hurtful and mean, alright.

I'm going to be working on keeping my love on and I will look at the scripture that helps me deal with this situation and I am best off forgiving from my heart and I will push all the toxins away from my vital organs and spirit which is my joy my hope my honour my love. Push all the effects far away.

I realized I had been harboring unforgiveness and it was my fault. I could choose to forgive or I had chosen to unforgive.

I was responsible for my part.

This was hard to hear. This is the part that I usually just say ‘but, but, but’. But this time it was no use. God had given me a revelation.
He knows how much I was hurting and had been hurting. He had listened to all my prayers and collected every precious tear.

I rummaged around my house to find my ‘keeping your love on’ book by Danny Silk. I skimmed through the pages and realized that I was only half way through. Figures!
I looked at all the bits I had underlined and noticed that all the things I underlined were things I was blaming my husband for.
He was – selfish, not consistent, didn’t care, didn’t love, didn’t want to make an effort, harsh with his words, angry, never made an effort, didn’t pursue me, didn’t bother.
The list can go on and on and on.

Then the Lady interviewing Danny asked this question, the vital question that I have been waiting the answer for –

What do you do with someone who keeps poking at you? How do you forgive that?

Good question huh.
This is the question that I feel in my life needs an answer. My husband keeps poking at me, annoying me, doesn’t fulfill his promises and generally is inconsistent with this communication.

This is the answer that Danny gave -

It's a condition of my heart. if I don't forgive you then I begin to introduce a dynamic into not just my relationships but into my character. My character begins to be twisted on how I see everything

If I was God, I would do this :(

We think we are better than the job Gods doing

Will I practice the covenant I made with God?

Will I practice the covenant I've made with you whether I'm married to you or we just live in the body of Christ together?

My leg has a covenant with my eye and we are going to submit to the system that pushes the bad stuff away

I'm gonna submit to the solution the consequences that unforgiveness will bring by submitting to I forgive you for my heart.

I will practice our covenant and we know that covenant requires death.

I have to die to preserve this! I'm willing to give my life knowing that I've been crucified with Christ.

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I life by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

Galatians 2:20

It's no longer I live but he who lives through me.

This is the practice of honour, love, forgiveness.

Woooahh that’s an eye opener huh.

The thing is because my husband has drifted in his faith it is my responsibility to put this into practice.

At this point I was really seeing what God was asking of me. He wanted me to die to this. He wanted me to give my all and he would back me up 100%.
I don’t need to worry about my husband and his walk as God has this. He has it covered and is already working on it, all behind the scenes the way he intended and when my husband fully submits to God it will be different to what I expect and its going to be better than I expected.

My job was to put 100% into my relationship. With no condition or expectations.

God is in charge, but not in control. He will do what he has to do to get my husband the spiritual head of our household.

He gave us free will and I am in a place where I can choose so I am choosing to put in for the rest of this year.

Why give myself to the end of the year?

Well firstly I believe it not a time scale I believe that my marriage will be sorted and fully restored by then. If I am putting in 100% whether my husband is or not, then change will happen.

And if by me changing and keeping my love on, has no effect what so ever. Then at least I know that I did everything that God asked of me. That I did what he asked of me as a wife. That I love, honoured and obeyed my husband.

If by Christmas, my husband doesn’t want to put in his part, doesn’t love, and want me then that’s ok. Because I can’t turn around at that point and say that I didn’t try to the best of my ability the way God wanted me to.

Its not a condition you see. This is a life style. And so far its not been working my way. So it needs to be Gods way…… fully.

I have the choice of unforgiveness as I have been given the choice and I choose to forgive

And the fruit of forgiveness - I don't want your destruction I want to move towards you and I'm going to make sure I bless you in the relationship and work hard at being the best wife I can be.

So how am I going to do this?

First of all, I am going to finish reading KYLO book. And this time look at the last part of the book with fresh eyes.

And today I am going to start the relationship course on line that is by Danny Silk.

You get a certificate at the end of the course.
Now this bothered me a bit. I was thinking what do I need a certificate if it only me making the change. What’s the point in a certificate in relationships if my main relationship has failed?
Then God reminded me that its nothing to do with the certificate. That when its up on the wall its not going to be alone. It will be side by side with my marriage certificate. That through doing this course on my own I will be able to impart things into my husband by keeping my love on.

So this is the start of my journey of ‘Keeping my love on” towards my husband and giving him the best of me.
I know its not going to be easy. I am a woman after all and I happen to be a very creative and emotional one.
But I know with the love of God and support from friends and family I can do this.
Why do I know this?

For I can do everything through Christ, who strengthens me

Philippians 4:13

PS – If you are in a marriage and really struggling to see any light in it. Male or female. Can I suggest that you buy the book ‘Keeping your love on’ by Danny Silk.