I was a victim but now I am a survivor

As I came up to this Valentines day, I realised that it has been a year and 6 months since he was removed from my life and I have been free from his control. 

control

/kənˈtrəʊl/

noun

noun: control

1.     1. 

the power to influence or direct people's behaviour or the course of events.

"the whole operation is under the control of a production manager"

Similar:

jurisdiction

sway

power

authority

command

dominance

This is what came up when I looked it up. 

The power to influence or direct people’s behaviour.
You see I was married for 12 years; in fact, I am still married until the final financial settlement then I can apply for my decree absolute. But I don’t count the last year and a half as married as he has not lived in the house. I actually already see myself as divorced under the eyes of God. Just married in law. 

Did X have the power to influence me? 

Control is a funny thing. It isn’t just there. It takes times to build up. It starts off slow as if you are practicing balancing something. 

Like one of those electric buzzing games that you have to handle a metal hook around the wire careful not to make it buzz. If you buzz it 3 times you are out. Control starts off slow. With questions – “where you are going?” “What times will you be back”, the kind of questions that make you think that they are actually worried about you. 

Then they come a bit thick and fast after that. More and more questions. Questioning why you are doing things and that way! 

Then the security goes up on the front and back door that is controlled by X phone. He can control the heating, the lights and also know when you are coming and going. 

And even though he leads you to believe it is security so that no one breaks in, the reality is he is watching your every move and questioning you.

Over the year the worthlessness comments come and go. Don’t cut your hair, don’t wear that. Making snide comments about who you are as a person. 

Saying I don’t do anything, and I am lazy. Expecting freshly cooked meals every day and no leftover meals.
Expecting me to walk the children to and from school and have all the housework done and cleared away as well as dinner for them then dinner for us ready. Expecting me to do all the bedtime routine and wondering why I want to go to bed early and how can I possibly be tired. Oh, and then expecting me to service him! 

Exhausting. 

Over the years I was kicked repeatedly on the floor, punched, hit, shoved, had a Stanley knife thrown at me, another knife thrown at the wall. Had a loaf of bread thrown at my head. A bag of popcorn tipped over me. Not let through doors, tables overturned. He kicked a hole in the new kitchen cupboard door, punched a hole in the wall, scratched and wrecked my newly painted baby changing table, my ray bans thrown off a table with my new art prints which were destroyed. 

In fact, everywhere I looked had been effected by that angry controlling man boy. 

I tend not to look back to the beginning of our relationship as at the beginning while we were engaged, he dragged me through my house by my hair. 

The reason I don’t look back as people say, “why did you marry him”. 

I can’t think like that as I have 2 amazing children who are my world. It took his DNA to produce that. Looking back leads me down a dangerous path. 

Besides I don’t live in the past. I live in the present and I look into the future. Without fear. 

I don’t want to look back as I don’t want to remember him. 

There are no happy memories as everything was tainted. 

Every year on my birthday he gave me free speech. I could say what I wanted one day of the year and the next day we would go back to normal. 

A year and 6 months ago it came to an end after he attacked me, my parents and pushed a police officer out of a window. 

That night I heard the holy spirit talk to me and say that it was ok to walk away now. 

That night I was freed from his control and years of abuse. 

The crazy thing is he is still trying to say that I was the one who has made everything up. A conviction and 2 restraining orders later and he still doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong. He wants to get his conviction overturned. 

He wonders why his children don’t want to see him or talk to him. Because they are also traumatised by him. My daughter mainly due to seeing his actions the night he was removed. 

He still tries to tell anyone who will listen that I am stopping the children talking to him and I am manipulating them and turning them against him. 

The reality is. I just love them. Love them in a way X would never understand as he doesn’t know what love is. 

Love isn’t abuse

Or control.

Love isn’t showing off your children or buying them lots of things all the time. 

Love isn’t letting them do whatever they like or not letting them walk to the shops on their own. 

So, what is love? 

God sums this up perfectly in 1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love isn’t hard. It is putting the other before yourself. Year after year I did this without gain. This was so difficult to love someone who was so hard to love. 

6 years ago, X punched my daughter and was removed from the house for 6 weeks. TBH I wasn’t ready for it to end. And after many a promise from X I took him back as I wanted our marriage to work.

I wrote in my diary the next day, he went back to normal and I continued to cry myself to sleep every night. 

Why am I writing all this?

Well I’m real. I am a real girl and I went through these real experiences. And I want to help others. I don’t want anyone to be stuck in a relationship that they think is ok and they will just get on with it, but they are extremely unhappy. This isn’t a pity post. I don’t want or need people to feel sorry for me. I was a victim but now I am a survivor. 

I mean let’s get real Valentine’s day sucks. My head tells me that it’s a commercial day that came from America. 

But my heart says I would love to have a boyfriend for Valentines.

You see I believe in marriage. I see and am surrounded by some amazing marriages. I know that God intended marriage for good. But It takes 2 people to put in the effort in a marriage. And it takes self-sacrifice.

I guess what I’m saying is that this was a season of my life and I am hoping and praying that the next season is one full of joy. 

I walk into the next season with my children and no one controlling me. 

One thing I am doing is rediscovering myself. My likes and dislikes. I haven’t been able to know what I like as I have been told what I can and can’t do. 

I lost my identity along the way. 

But is gonna be a whole lot of fun finding out what I like as God shows me and opens up new adventures for me. 

If you are struggling. Message me. If I can find a way out then you can too.