Long time no see

 

I last wrote in 2020 when things were just a little bit crazy. Not only did we have the pandemic but my father passed away from pancreatic cancer. 

It was such a difficult time as a family however God was so good to us all and especially my dear Dad. Even the evening that God called him home. 

let me explain. 

It was time for Dad to have a needle inserted into his leg to give him some pain relief and some anti sickness. The nurse suggested putting a mild relaxant in with his drugs so he can rest. He had been throwing up for quite a few days and it was really hard to watch 

Dad was given the drugs and fell straight to sleep. 

I felt the Holy Spirit talking to me about having me, my sister and my brother (who was staying a few weeks to help out) take it in turns to watch over Dad as he was in a hospital bed in the lounge. My sister did the first stint. She ended at 12. My stint was from 3 onwards. My brother was sleeping over so he slept in the same room as Dad and kept him company until it was my turn. 

I remember praying when I went to bed. I remember saying to the Lord. If you want to take Dad before I get there. Then I'm ok with that. I had said everything I wanted to say to him. I had spent most of lock down and the summer over at my parents house helping out and watching my Dad gradually decline whist helping my Mum (an ex nurse) look after him and help him walk to the garden (until he couldn't). 

I got a call around 3am. My brother. He said - "we think Dad has died, do you want to come over"? I chucked on some clothes and drove over. He had passed. I kissed his forehead and held his hand. 

Its funny what the mind does to you in these sort of times. The reason my brother said "we think", is because he was imagining his chest going up and down. He looked like he was sleeping. Even my Mum questioned it and they got a spoon to put up to his nose to see if breath came out. 

I called my Sister and other Brother and they said they would come straight over. But before they did I sat on the floor next to Dad and held his hand. I linked our little fingers like he used to do with me instead of holding hands. And I sat. When my Sister and Brother arrive we sat as a family and talked about things. No idea what we talked about, but we talked. And we stayed in that same position until the nurses came and washed and changed my Dad. 

Mum was thinking of what to put Dad in. And again the Holy Spirit reminded me of the t- shirt that I gave Dad for fathers day that said FREEDOM on it. So the nurses put that on him and his cross. His cross that has now been gifted to me and is so precious. 

I felt God so close in that moment. He was taking care of all the little details which were important to us. 

So Dad was lying in his freedom t shirt and his cross with his legs under a blanket. He looked like he was sleeping. He looked so peaceful. I knew he was no longer in his body and that he had gone home to be with Jesus. 

It was so peaceful and not at all weird sitting in that room with my Dad's empty box of a body. His earthly body was done and finished. 

Early in the morning, around 9 the undertaker's came and wrapped him up is some lovely linen cloth and took him away. That is when I broke. I realised that I would see his face again. I remember just before he was wrapped that I again kissed him goodbye. I wish I hadn't as his face was cold and it was weird as it didn't feel like him. 

I stood by the door as they took him down the steps and into their van. And then watched them drive away with the body of my Dad. Suddenly it was very quiet. I think I went home to shower and change, then I was back with my Mum, calling the rest of the family and letting them know. 

I feel so grateful that I had the time I did with Dad. I was able to love on him in his final days. I told him that one day I will get married again and he said "who too"? I said a lovely Christian man that God has for me. I said that I will miss him on my wedding day and that makes me sad. I told him that I loved him. 

That was 2020. The year of covid, the year I went through the court system too many times.( More on that another day. ) That was probably one of the hardest years for me. However I felt God so close to me, walking with me every step of the way. I wouldn't be here today without God being on my side, supporting me every step of the way.