A letter to my Christian Husband!

I wrote this blog post right at the beginning of the year. I didn't know if I would post it. I am not even going to read it back.
If its how I felt i'm sure others have felt this way too.

I'm a married Christian woman! That's quite a statement already.
Ok so being a married christian woman sounds easy right? It should be easy right?
I have 2 beautiful kids. And a husband.
I love God with all my heart and know that only through Jesus Christ is the way, truth and life.
But sometimes, that sometimes being right now, I can understand why some Christians divorce!
It's onLy easy if both parties put in the effort regarding marriage.
And I am not talking about the communicating bit although that is an issue! Or the daily household stuff.
I am talking about personal journeys with God. I'm talking about - getting yourself fixed with prayer and counselling if clearly you have found something difficult in your personality. If you have an issue with hurt, anger, rejection, sex, competing, the list can go on.
It seems to me that women seem to be the ones always seeking the help.

Recently I went to a church women's breakfast and something struck a chord with me. God put something on my mind and heart that wasn't sitting right with me. I was struggling with something.
I couldn't stop thinking about this something all night, and the next morning.
I thought - great! Another thing that I need to go get sorted. And believe me I really didn't want to go get something else sorted. The stubbornness in me thought, no way. I am not going to seek help. I'm not doing it again.
But that stubbornness was the devil holding me back from being free in Christ and Christ already set us free when he died for us on that cross.
So I texted a lady from my Church and arranged a coffee date and some ministry.

On the other hand men (in my opinion) seem to struggle to identify there weaknesses as things that they could have fixed with a bit of prayer and a chat. They like to blame others for there weaknesses and avoid getting fixed while struggling internally with turmoil.
They avoid looking at the bigger picture of freedom and love and think that they can fix it all on there own whilst the wife has to deal with the mood swinging husband all on her own by praying and seeking God and wise council.
Honestly. I am sick of it.

I noticed my husband for the first time (before we were together) at a pub garden. We had mutual friends. He had just come back from a soul survivor trip and was on fire for God. He was literally glowing.
Aren't people so attractive when they are on fire for God.
It's like something you want to catch, be apart of.
When people are so far from Gods face, you start wondering why you love them. If you love them. What can you do?
Nothing you do seems to make them happy.
Even sitting next to them irritates them.
You are never good enough!
That's right, I will never be good enough! Ever! As the thing that you unknowingly seeking and needing....is God.
He is the only one that is ever going to satisfy your need. He will moisten your dry parched throat so you are never thirsty again.
He will strengthen your body and fill you up so you never go hungry again.
You are searching in the natural that only God in the supernatural can give.
These are all the things that I am too scared to tell you, husband, as I know you will shut your ears and walk off.
Don't you know that God loves you so much that if you were the only person ever alive he would still have died for just you on that cross and beared your sin.
Don't you know that you being in turmoil makes him weep.
Don't you know that you have angels surrounding you every minute of every day and that they are real.
Don't you know that God want to know you more and more.
Don't you know that God longs for a personal relationship with you.
Don't you know that God misses your chats.
Don't you know that God sent me for you to cherish and love so you wouldn't be lonely
Don't you know that I am lonely and I weep for you too.

I wonder if I will ever post this. I know you will never read this.
I pray that God will give you a revelation of his love for you before it's too late. X

Listen up!

Why is it so unacceptable to actually say how you are feeling.
Why do people ask 'how are you' if they really don't want to know.
Why do we feel that we just have to reply with a 'yes, fine thank you' when inside we are breaking.
Why, when we actually say how we feel the other person looks like you are an unstable being because you told the truth.
And - Why do we have a need to tell social media what we are doing, when we are doing it. And with pictures.

Me, I fall into the category of truth, I cant lie. I tell people the truth about how I am feeling. I blub it all out. I get the - ohmygoshidontwanttohearyourissueswhycouldntyoujustsayfine look. Feel enormously judged and then say goodbye and cry. A LOT. I don't do this on social media!

You see in my head I think - if I ask someone how they are, I actually want to know how they are. I am interested in their life. I want to help if they are not feeling 100% shiny and ready to go.

The thing is. The only person who is reliable in this matter is Jesus.

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
Jeremiah 29:12

He will listen. He will not fail you. He will not judge you, slam the door in your face and think the worst of you.
And check this out -
And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive.
Jeremiah 29 13:14

Search. Search with eagerness the Lord your God and will bring you back.
He is the only one who will give you true comfort. He will take you under the eagles wing and comfort you.

Don't wait on people in the natural as you will never be satisfied. It doesn't matter what people of the world think of you. It only matters what God thinks. You are living for him, his purposes.
And he has plans, plans for you. Bigger than you can imagine.
You were never a mistake. You were created at the beginning of time for this time. This moment, for his purpose.

Recently in my Christian book group we read - The purpose driven life by Rick Warren
It is a book that I read about 10 years ago and enjoyed it at the time.
Getting to the end of the book I got a real revelation from God. And it was about Facebook.
I wondered why I post stuff on my page. What was I getting from it. Did it better me?. Did it make me feel good about myself?. Why was there a need?.
I certainly wasn't craving acceptance.
I didn't look on it every minute seeing how many likes I had.
I don't feel the need to envy others.

The answer - I had got into a habit. Not a majorly bad one. But one that I obviously needed a revelation on.
I don't want to be in a habit of being a people pleaser. Wasting time on a page. I don't want to be in a habit of sharing every little detail of my life even down to the food I eat. WHY?
So this is how its going to be. I am not ditching it completely. I have friends and family overseas that I want to keep contact with.
I enjoy seeing what people are up too. But I am just not going to post.

This comes at a time of change for me and a new season. I am starting up my business again and I am very aware that FB is good for that. Its a healthy way to use that social media site. That's what I am going to do. Have a FB business page and use it that way.
Habits are not easy to break and I am fully aware of that. But I am done. I am ready to live my next chapter. I know the plans and purposes God has for my life and I want to live to him.

 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal;  but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.   For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 6 :19-21

So again I write - I will not wait on people in the natural as I will never be satisfied. It doesn't matter what people of the world think of me. It only matters what God thinks of me. I am living for him, his purposes.
And he has plans, plans for me. Bigger than I can imagine.
I was never a mistake. I was created at the beginning of time for this time. This moment, for his purpose.



 

Relationships can be like old bangers

Last night I had a picture from God.
It was of an old car. A vintage car.
It was well looked after even though it had a bit of rust underneath.
The owner polished the car, pumped up the tyres regularly and kept it tip top condition driving it carefully and never went over the speed limit.
I then had a picture of a modern car. It hardly got a cleaned unless having an MOT. It was driven fast and had fast food wrappers inside the car.
God told me that men need to look there wives as if she was an old vintage banger of a car. And not like a modern, speedy car.
God showed me that even though the vintage car was older and had a bit of rust. It was loved and cared for despite its faults.
And because the new car, was known for being reliable and speedy. The owner didn't bother paying much attention to it.
You see women need attention. Women crave the safety and attention from there husbands.
And yes we have faults. We are not perfect. But it is the job of the husbands to love us first.

Before I had this picture I listened to Sundays sermon from my church about relationships.
It explained that we need to treat our men like heroes as they want to be heroes.
But they need to love their wives 1st.

So, loving.
Let me tell you what loving is not.
Loving is not just saying you love her.
Loving is showing that you love her, not just by your actions but by your words.
Let me explain.

If my husband says - love you, as he is leaving the house. I don't particularly feel loved by that. It is more of a goodbye than a statement of love.
If my husband says - you are a really good Mummy or you have done a really lovely job of making this house a home.
Now that is where the love is.
Love is in the appreciation.
Women need to feel appreciated.
Women are natural nurturer's.When we are feeling appreciated, we feel love.
When we know and feel like we are doing a good job as being a wife then we feel loved.
For women the statement - All you need is Love. Really is applicable.

Let me get one thing straight here. There is not just the two of you in this relationship!

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:12

If a women is not feeling loved and the man not feeling a hero then your relationship needs attention!
Jesus needs putting right back in the centre of it.



 

Released to School

Just one last night time snuggle until the morning and my J heads off to his first day at school.
I'm a bag of mixed emotions.
Part of me is exhausted from the longest summer holidays ever. Constant jibbing and bickering between my kiddos has nearly tipped me over the edge.
A lovely holiday where my daughter never seemed happy.
And my son, turned from my baby into a little boy who was ready for a new, big adventure.
And then there is the other part of me. The part that is loosing my little play buddy. My shadow.
My constant thigh snuggler.
He is so full of love that everyday he stops to say "Mummy, you look beautiful today".  And tell me that he loves me over 20 times a day.
My little boy who messes around in the bathroom, rips pieces of wallpaper off his wall, breaks toys just to see how they would work and shoves the last big piece of food in his mouth not because he wants it but because he needs to clear his plate before pudding.

At this time I have to remind myself that children are a gift from God. I have been entrusted with 2 amazing gifts.
This time. Time for school. Is important.
He is going to be spreading his wings and soaking up knowledge.
If I kept him locked away unable to spread his wings then I would be doing him harm.


 “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.”
Luke 22:42

By letting my son stretch his wings I am also saying to Jesus - not my will in my sons life..... But your will God.
I want my Son to grow to be a strong man of God. And to grow, he needs to be released.
As hard as it is for me to loose my little shadow. I release him as I know that the rewards on his life will be huge.
I am not loosing out. I am gaining.

So tomorrow, I will wave him off at the gate, get to the car and have a cry. Not because I miss him already. But because I am proud to call him my son and thankful to God for entrusting me with this precious gift.

Princesses

When my sister and I were little girls we used to grab our duvets, put them around our waists and secure them with belts.
We used to pretend we were very important princesses and strut up and down our bedroom swishing our heavy skirts from side to side, doing lots of twirling.
Looking back it must have been quite a funny sight. But to us, our imaginations carried us away to far off lands with castles and princes with glorious music and dancing. There always has to be dancing!

 

 

Girls, even young girls are always looking for acceptance. They want to be the apple of their Daddy's eye.

It is important to feel loved, accepted by your own Dad but that is not always the case.
Society lets us down a lot.
We are made to feel not accepted, we cant fit in. we are not pretty enough, thin enough, our nose too big, too wide, too fat. Our hair too straight, curly, not the right colour.
We don't speak how we should, laugh the right way. We can be too serious, not serious enough.

It can all get a little too much to live up to the expectations of other people.

But in reality we only live to an audience of ONE. The ONE.

God.

And he loves you just the way you are. Spots, freckles, colour, race and body shape. You are his.

Your belong to him and he belongs to you.
He created you just the way you are because that is how he choose you to be.
And because he is the King of Kings that makes every girl, woman, Lady........ a princess.
A twirling, singing, dancing, apple of God's eye, PRINCESS.

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

1 Peter 3:3-4

I have this verse written on my daughters wall. She is very beautiful but I want her to be constantly reminded that her beauty comes from within and it shines on the outside. Her beauty and value does not depend on what she wears or what she looks like. He value and worth come from God.
As she grows and put Jesus in the centre of her life she will live as a Princess.

I want to encourage all Women who are feeling discouraged, put down and ugly.
Do not conform to what society tells you. Look to God. You are his daughter and perfect.
 

Child Like

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 18:3

When I was little there was a park just down the road from where I lived.
It was a cut through park. A park to get from A to B.
It was an escape park if we had nothing to do. It was not very exciting as parks go as it consisted of one old wooden round about and 2 swings.
The round about got taken away after a few years after many an injury. Me being one that was injured. I fell off it and got my head stuck underneath. I had to have a few stitches.

The 2 swings were the ultimate challenge for my sister and I.
We were determined to swing and swing until the swing went all the way over.
Apparently this had been done before.
We stood up on the swings and kept thrusting our bodies back and forth higher and higher without fear.
The swing used to jerk and thrash about unstably and unreliable yet we had no fear.

Currently I am at the park. My two children keep coming to me every so often telling me they bonked their head or fell over and after a quick rub and a magic kiss they skip off with glee.
I over heard one mother telling her child - watch out for the swings. You could fall over and crack your head open.
But I'm willing to bet that she used to swing so high she nearly went over the bars.

God tells us to be childlike.
Come to me as a child.
Surely he is telling us with out fear.
Swing so high that you might go over the bars and don't think about what next.
Just try with all your might.
When did some of us get so protecting over our own children that we warn them overly of the dangers of trying to accomplish the simple pleasure of a challenge on a swing!

 

Whiter as snow

I was lying in the bath last night before going out on a date with the hubalubba. I was feeling pretty rough it has to be said.
Since coming home from Turkey I have not felt quite right after suffering with heat stroke, rash, stomach bug and a ear infection. I have felt out of sync, not quite right, maybe I left my mojo behind.
I have felt God telling me that this is a time to rest but I have not felt rested at all.
I am in transition, waiting for something to happen. And not really knowing what I am doing at all!

I have missed writing. I have iPhone notes filled to the brim of ideas and creative challenges that I have yet to put to proper use.

I have missed 'me' time. The summer holibobs have sucked away any time to myself and I find myself feeling drained and totally fed up.
I love my 2 gifts from God with everything I have. But right now I feel sucked of everything I have.
My plans and purposes that God has for me has laid dormant and gathers dust whilst I pick myself up from the floor and head for a bath for some peace and quite.

In Febuary we bought a house. My pretty much dream house. A 1930's doer upper.
I was hoping to come home from Turkey refreshed and recouperated and ready to carry on decorating.

So I lay in the bath surrounded by broken plaster, dirty yellow walls, an old fashioned sink and toilet but a new bath and lots of bubbles.
I don't notice the mess.

I look up at the wall at the writing in sharpie.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow
Psalm 51:7

This was what God was saying to me.
As I look at the broken room I only saw how it was going to be. That is how God see's us. He doesn't see the broken stuff from the past. He doesn't look as what we cant do now.
He looks at us as completely fresh, clean and complete beings.
Decorated and finished.
Clean and white as snow.

I need to remember that right now as I go through this tough season and reamember that it is just a season and I will be coming into my purposes soon..